Carnal Incarceration

For the loving traveler, FastCompany.com (January 11^TH) has looked for some of the hidden danger zones of affection and intimacy around the world… Not the nasty stuff with children or crimes involving what is generally seen as illicit almost everywhere, just ordinary “connections” that could get you some time in a cell, generate a fine… or something perhaps worse.

United Arab Emirates – Public displays of affection, even minor ones, are more than bad taste here. Dubai can give each participant of even minor smooching-offenders 10 days each, but add some forbidden booze to that non-lethal mix, and you could get a year of free room and board in the local “pokey.”

Uruguay – OK, this is a strange permitted act of revenge to a wrong spouse who is the innocent victim in an adulterous affair. If a man is caught in bed with the wife of another, the innocent spouse has some options: kill either or both offenders. Castrate the offending male and/or cut off the offending wife’s nose. A bit harsh, eh?

Estonia – This is critical. No distractions during sex! You have to give it your all… playing a board game during intercourse, for example, is strictly forbidden! Don’t go there!

Utah – Here, it’s about the law banning marriage to first cousins. OK, I get it, but once you’re 65 (55 for infertile couples), kissing first cousins are open marriage fodder!

Spain – With its rollicking beachy islands and long, lingering swatches of sand along the coast, this economically struggling nation limits sex on the beach to a beverage. Engaging in extreme intimacy on the sandy shore can get you up to a nasty EU75,000 fine (about $100,000).

Texas – You could be fined up to $4000 (and/or given even up to a year in jail for this Class A Misdemeanor) in the Lone Star state if you possess more than six dildos, so “lone stars” can only go so far.

London – A couple of your likely nasty habits are forbidden here. For example, perhaps strictly for safety reasons, sex on a motorcycle is a no-no. But for those aggressive types, asking a strange woman in a pub for sex can result in a $250 fine and up to 90 days in the local gaol (aka jail).

Michigan – These folks are easily offended, so there is a Class A Offense for low-riding pants that expose underwear that could generate up to a $500 fine and/or 93 days in the can. While you are unlikely to see any of this during the Polar Vortex, have any of you been you Detroit in the summer? Yeah, I know, Detroit is not exactly a vacation destination these days!

Sweden – I can only imagine how or why this law was passed, which imposes a big fine, but while going topless is acceptable, taking full frontal nude photos in a phone booth (do these still exist?) is strictly verboten.

California – It is illegal for one partner to reach climax before the other in the foreplay stage of sex.

HG.org (Bizarre American Sex Crimes) adds a few more of this weird laws, including:

ALABAMA

1. Sex toys are banned.
2. Men are banned from attempting to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, arts, deception, flattery or a promise of marriage."

ILLINOIS

Illegal to have sex on your wedding day if you are fishing or hunting in Oblong.

INDIANA

Oral sex is banned.

KENTUCKY

A woman cannot marry the same man three times in some Kentucky townships.

LOUISIANA

You can streak as long as you can prove to a court beyond a doubt that you had no "lascivious intent."

MARYLAND

It is illegal to kiss for more than 1 second in Halethorpe.

MICHIGAN

1. Male drivers in Detroit are banned from “ogling” women.
2. It is illegal to serenade your girlfriend in Kalamazoo.

NORTH CAROLINA

1. It is an offense to have sex in a graveyard.
2. If you are unmarried and you and your lover register yourselves as a "Mr. and Mrs." when checking into a motel, then you may legally be considered husband and wife. [Uh oh!]

And now you know why I had to become a lawyer!

I’m Peter Dekom, and just thinking about how these laws came about or what the debates in the legislative or administrative bodies must’ve been seems powerfully amusing.