Sunday, June 18, 2017

If They Wrote What They Really Feel – Three “Letters” to Donald

Dear Donnie:
            I want to express my gratitude for all you have done for me and my loyal unified Russian people. As you know, my biggest pet peeve is and always has been NATO and its member countries, nations committed against Russia to the liberal notion of “human rights” that challenge the natural world order where the strongest and most qualified should rule. You stand above all others as a “representative of the people” – people who are willing to do whatever you order them to do. This is as it should be.  You have impaired NATO in ways I could only dream about.
            Your threats against your fellow NATO members, as to the nature of the mutual defense commitments and the necessary funding, your powerful withdrawal of funding “foreign aid” to smaller nations around the world, your unquestioning acceptance of strongmen willing to deal harshly with dissidents, your withdrawal from treaties and global consensus, your deep understanding of how to discredit that old-world and rather obsolete notion of a “free press,” your anti-Muslim/anti-Mexican stance that has seriously alienated almost two billion people on earth, your antipathy to the sanctions imposed on us, and your willingness to step back as a global political power creating a power vacuum for us to step into are all deeply appreciated. We understand that, on occasion, you have to seem “tough on Moscow’ – wink, wink – but we get it. Don’t worry about it. It would be nice if could get your Congress in line the way on those sanctions the way I control our Federal Assembly here, but I know you are going to do your best to limit enforcement no matter what your Congress does.
Maybe that Russia was able to do what the U.S. could not... not with your airstrikes, Seal Teams, funding local fighters – kill ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al Baghdadi – will get your Congress to follow your lead on Russian policy. Seriously, you know Dr. Assad is the best leader Syria will ever have, a strongman like you and me.
            So, as you well know, I have “seeded” Russian cyber-criminals (note how this allows me to deny direct involvement) with perks and lots of cash to help you get elected and stay in office. Whether our invasion of the election servers in 39 of your states, our systematic and often automated online disinformation campaign (I hate to brag, but it is really sophisticated and can target individual voters based on their online emotional vulnerabilities; love “fake news”), our hacking and release of “edited” materials from your political opponents plus, just in case, that “stuff” you know about what we have on you… your country’s entire “Russia” inquiry has so fractured you country beyond a level that even a Russian nuclear attack could ever wreak, disabling your “democratic” process rather dramatically. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Our efforts worked so much better in America than they have in Europe. Could not have happened without your personal support. Your campaign staff was superb, by the way.
            The gravy in all this is your rather complete demoralization of all of your National Security Agencies, the F.B.I., rendering their internal credibility meaningless, but be careful, watch them carefully and control their every move. They are conspiring to bring you down. Disable them further. But if you want to get rid of that nasty and disloyal James Comey fellow – such disloyalty could never happen here – Russia can always grant him asylum. “LOL” as you all like to say. We do know what to do with him. And when are you going to shut down that Mueller fellow? I could give you a few suggestions on that one.
By the way, our operatives love your hotels, especially that new hotel in Washington, just five blocks from the White House. We will keep those rooms booked to the extent that other nations leave some rooms unoccupied. We do, however, have to figure out a better way to connect, because your nosey congress seems to think it’s their business to know about our “private” communications. Jared is still a bit wet behind the ears to figure that out, unfortunately. But be assured, that money will continue to flow into your company coffers. I have lots of personal experience on how to get that done. After all, you are one of Russia’s best friends on earth.
With Gratitude and “Respect” (wink, wink).
Vladimir “Putie” Putin
Dear President Donald Trump;

We have our differences. We are still at war. Although your sanctions hurt my people (which I remind them about), I must say that those of us who lead our great nation still get all the Western luxury goods we want. I and my people fear your aggressive actions and are irretrievably committed to building a military and nuclear force to contain any threat you could ever pose to us. Your invasion of South Korea is of necessity only temporary. We will eventually liberate our poor brothers and sisters and unify the entire peninsula.
There are, however, a few bright spots in our “relationship” for which I personally wish to thank you. First, thank you for becoming the most hated and unpopular leader on earth, and for moving the United States to “global pariah” status. We really did not like being on top of that list. Second, thank you for stepping back on your global commitments, choosing instead an isolated, go-it-alone path. We didn’t even have to mount a divide and conquer campaign. You did it for us.
I truly appreciated your “unofficial” ambassador, my good friend Dennis Rodman, as he visited Pyongyang again. He is so much more intelligent than any of your cabinet appointees and so much more honest. You should consider him to replace Rex Tillerson or Jeff Sessions, whom you seem to be destined to fire. He is much better qualified. To show my appreciation of Dennis, I have released of that thief, U.S. citizen Otto Warmbier, a 22-year-old University of Virginia student from suburban Cincinnati who has been imprisoned here since early 2016. I really think Otto sleeps too much, but I am sure you can wake him up. Thank you for sending Dennis.
While you might not know this, we North Koreans love to solve puzzles. We used to have fun hacking into your government file servers, and we particularly loved what we pulled up on Hollywood, but the challenge is no longer there. Your medical information, financial infrastructure and even your power grid control systems are just too easy to crack for our cyber-team. Can you at least try and give us just a little more complexity to tackle? My cadres are telling me they are bored.
On the plus side, I also see that you are mirroring your leadership on principles we have well-established here in Pyongyang. Your muzzling of your horrific mainstream media. Your firing disloyal cadres (I think you should do more). The way you began your June 12th cabinet meeting, with every cabinet officer and your vice-president (I forget his name) praising you and your rule, was such a testament to our own model process. The New York Times’ description so reflects the way we do things here: “One by one, they praised President Trump, taking turns complimenting his integrity, his message, his strength, his policies. Their leader sat smiling, nodding his approval.” Good work, Mr. President. Perhaps there is hope for America yet.
As Sincere as I can be,
Kim “Dear Leader” Jong-un
Dear Donald:
            While I was momentarily taken aback by your accusations of our currency manipulation, accusing us of unfair trade practices, that you were willing so quickly to give us a solid trade agreement over our pledge to help contain that volatile Kim Jong-un was very gratifying. But that was the merely the icing on your foreign policy cake.
            You have pulled back in foreign aid from the countries that need it most. Not a problem. I promise that we will keep stepping in to fill that void. If Mexico gets slammed by your economic sanctions to “pay for that wall,” don’t worry about the poor Mexicans that will suffer. We’ll step in with more than enough in replacement economic activity. Want to cut off ties to Cuba? Be our guest. We could never compete there as long as you recognized your neighbor nation. Thank you if you open that door to us as well. Also, thank you for killing that horrible Trans-Pacific Partnership trade agreement, from which we had been excluded, allowing us to begin to replace it with a comparable Pacific region trade agreement that excludes the United States. Great! Thank you. We are all over that opportunity.
            Your vocal withdrawal from the Paris climate change accord, pulling back aid to the developing nations most impacted by global warming, was one of your greatest gifts to the Chinese people. The United States stepped away from global leadership by siding with the other two countries (Syria and Nicaragua) against 195 other nations who committed to this purely voluntary-compliance treaty. We have now become the political “globalization” leader of the world. Thank you for withdrawing. Oh, and we will be creating “jobs, jobs, jobs” as we continue to shut down coal-fired power plants and switch to a massive effort to manufacture the machines of alternative energy, an industry that the United States no longer has the credibility to dominate.
That your “mutual defense” partners no longer trust your commitments to them has brought more than a few of them to our door. Thank you again for your new nationalistic “America First” platform! Elections in the Western world since your inauguration effectively have moved away from that nationalistic, populist challenge to globalization – even in jolly old England. Your abandonment of international responsibility has pushed even your “ally” Panama to cut ties to Taiwan in favor us. Thank you for moving all of those countries closer to China.
            We are particularly grateful for your reducing your public educational budget, the growing and staggering debt younger Americans face to get a higher education, your woefully small commitment to fixing your infrastructure and your withdrawal of government funding for scientific research and cultural growth. We had a momentary worry that America would resume its competitive advantage, but we are so grateful that with these “austerity measures,” you have given us a clear path to lead the earth here as well.
            We’re still learning how to fulfill our new role as global leader. It’s “complicated” as you well know, but we think we are up to the task. Thank you for stepping aside and giving us that opportunity. We will soon have all the necessary treaties in place with all those nations that need a new world power that they can and will rely upon now that you are pulling back: China. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are one of China’s best friends on earth.
Xi Jinping
I’m Peter Dekom, and there were so many other letters from other international leaders that I could also write, but I think you get the point.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Twenty-two-year-old American college student Otto Warmbier has died, according to a statement released by his family on June 19th.