How is Domestic Violence Different from Other Forms of Violence?

Think about it. How often do you relate reports of domestic violence to a marital spat or relationship argument that got a bit out of hand? Is there something about the word “domestic” that lessens the impact of violent conduct? Police deal with “domestic violence” calls every day. Some say that such calls need to be dealt with by non-police relationship experts and not undermanned and overwhelmed police, also not well-trained in “couples mediation.” But statistics tell a very different story, as Los Angeles Times writer, Anita Chabria explains in her March 30th piece:

“[S]omehow putting ‘domestic’ before ‘violence’ makes us treat it as less deadly or harmful than a random attack by a stranger, though about three women are killed every day by an intimate acquaintance in the U.S. In the five years ending in 2022, the Trace, a news organization that investigates gun violence, found that at least 866 kids were shot in domestic violence incidents… Domestic violence is also strongly linked to mass shootings.

“Why, you may wonder, is domestic violence such an unchecked crisis when there are so many laws on the books? Those who work to stop domestic violence day in and day out know those laws are often applied haphazardly, and that those in charge of administering justice — judges, police, probation officers, district attorneys, even advocates — often have trouble keeping the rules straight, or even finding enough time in overburdened courts to try. Often, help comes down to what judge you get, what officer shows up to the door, or how well a district attorney understands the complexities of abuse and escaping from it.

“Underneath it all remains the bias that women are lying or somehow complicit — or a shoulder-shrugging resignation that violence against women and children is inescapable, so entwined in our casually misogynistic culture that its destructive thread can’t be pulled from the fabric of society.” We have a proclivity in our culture to ignore the clear and obvious reality and blame or excuse the offending event on a logical but usually erroneous “other.”

“Guns don’t kill people, people kill people” is just on of those catchy but definitively false arguments. People with guns kill more people than people without them. Nations with enforced strict gun laws have nowhere near the murder rates that are now accepted in the United States. Blaming gun homicide on mental illness, often a component of domestic violence, would of necessity mean that the United States has mental illness well beyond that of any other country, which is a pretty tough stretch. Tolerating violence at any level suggests that expressing and implementing violence because of strong feelings is somehow acceptable.

Women are the main victims of domestic violence, but women who complain to authorities about domestic violence are often “talked down” from their complaint and often fail for any number of reasons to press charges against the assaulting partner. Sometimes, there is a powerful economic force behind the withdrawal of charges; the assaulting partner may be an essential breadwinner. Sometimes, domestic violence is an accepted practice in some religious or ethnic subcultures.

In some countries, “honor killings” of females by senior male family members carries little stigma and, where it is even prosecuted, the sentences are relatively short. But we live in the United States of America, where there are very narrow excuses for assaults, batteries or killings (generally self-defense) … yet still the problem is minimized. It’s OK to march against government agencies in many states… fully armed. What’s the resulting message to us on whether violence should be tolerated?

In the world of domestic violence, there are overt physical threats… and earlier patterns of behavior that suggest the potential of future assaults. California state Assemblymember Reggie Jones-Sawyer “knows firsthand that abusive behavior can be stopped. He knows because he used to be verbally abusive, he told me — learned behavior from his own childhood. An ‘ugly’ divorce made him realize he ‘did a lot of screaming,’ and he said that led him to change those destructive patterns he internalized as a kid.

“It is to his great credit that he speaks about his past so openly, because it is a reminder that abuse hurts everyone involved, even the perpetrators. That doesn’t excuse their actions, but offers hope for breaking generational cycles… ‘I realized that even verbal [abuse] can be as damaging and harmful as physical, and long lasting,’ Jones-Sawyer said. ‘That is the insanity of domestic and sexual violence, that you don’t know it was poured into you’ as a child… He also knows that the system needs to do a far better job of protecting the many women trying to disentangle their lives from lethally abusive men who have no interest in changing.” LA Times.

Men with violent criminal records also have a strong correlation to domestic violence. Yet seldom are investigating police aware of such facts. Ultimately, it comes down to priorities and a whole lot of fixes. Our over-armed nation needs a major attitude shift against the hallmarks and obvious predictors of domestic violence… and women complainants (or those who witness the abuse) must be taken much more seriously. Training and resources are essentials, as well as earlier education against abusive behavior, from bullying to underlying cultural values. We have to care and fund meaningful solutions. Now!

I’m Peter Dekom, and “defusing“ a momentary conflict just is not enough to change this epidemic of interrelationship violence; we need to take this issue much more seriously.