House of Orange

NBC’s Jay Leno: “They added a plaid in case we were ever attacked by Scotland.” Turner’s Conan O’Brien: “Champagne-fuchsia means we’re being attacked by Martha Stewart.” Also, in 2002, he noted: “Yeah, apparently red is the highest alert, and it means Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick.” What are they talking about? Yep, those lovely color-coded security alerts promulgated under the Bush Administration eight years ago by the latest of the mega-federal bureaucracies, the effervescent Department of Homeland Security – green: low risk; blue: guarded risk; yellow: elevated risk; orange: high risk; and red: severe risk. Airport speakers blurt out that perennial favorite: “The Department of Homeland Security has determined that the current threat advisory is orange…”… but it’s always orange. So, what does that mean to all us travelers?

Not enough it seems. Homeland Security is considering abandoning this rainbow rhetoric. “One option under consideration is to go to two threat levels instead of five: elevated and imminent. When the threat level would change to imminent under the new model, government officials would be expected to be as specific as possible in describing the threat without jeopardizing national security. And an imminent threat would not last longer than a week, meaning the public wouldn't see a consistently high and ambiguous threat level.” HutchNews.com (November 24^th).

The November 24^th Los Angeles Times explains (the obvious?): “Over the past four years, millions of travelers have begun and ended their trips to the sound of airport recordings warning that the threat level was orange, an alert that has become so routine that many now simply tune it out. This could be the last holiday season they hear the monotonous message… U.S. officials confirmed the recommendation for a change had been made to President Barack Obama, who has final say in the matter. The details of the proposal were described to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity because no final decisions have been made.” And every newspaper and television radio news programs instantly released the story.

So does this mean more work for the mysterious female voice-over artist who recorded the ubiquitous orange alert recording? Does she get residuals like commercial actors whose work is repeated as ads play out? Will there be local airport alerts, so the terrorists can know we’re on to them and they can switch airports? How about: “The Department of Homeland Security is equally annoyed that you will have to pay extra to check your bags, so expect an elevated level of pushing and shoving this holiday season as folks with heavy coats try to shove way too many large bags into the overhead compartment so they don’t have to check a bag.”

I’m Peter Dekom, and shoe and underwear bombers beware; intimate see-through scans and private-part-pat-downs will be your ignominious fate!